If you’re in a relationship, chances are one of you is the breadwinner, or individual earning the most.
Whether you’re in a new relationship or you’ve been married for years, breadwinner envy has likely made an appearance in your relationship.
In some cases, one person might be the breadwinner by only a couple thousand dollars of higher salary. In other instances, the difference can be enormous.
While it isn’t uncommon to have some initial jealousy, it’s unhealthy to carry this envy on for years. Here’s how to get over breadwinner envy.
Recognize that you are a team
Regardless if you two are married or have joint finances, a couple is a team. You can choose to keep your finances completely separate but still work together as a team.
One of your successes should be a win for you both. If one of you achieves a career milestone – celebrate!
Even with entirely separate bank accounts, your success as an individual and as a couple will be affected by the other person’s success.
When you start thinking of yourself as a team instead of individuals, you’ll begin to recognize that it truly doesn’t matter who is the breadwinner. What does matter is how much you encourage and support one another.
Discuss finances regularly
Finances may feel like a touchy subject, but should be talked about in any relationship. Keeping the financial conversation open and honest is the only way to reach your goals as a couple.
The more you talk about finances, the less weird it gets to talk about your emotions regarding breadwinner envy.
Even if you don’t have any breadwinner envy, make finances a topic of frequent discussion. It never hurts, plus you don’t know how the other individual feels if you never leave it open for conversation.
Talk about your emotions
When two people earn as significantly different salary, it’s common for them to become envious or resentful towards one another. The person with the lower income might envy the breadwinner’s career, opportunity, or spending habits. On the other hand, the breadwinner might become resentful that they are bringing home the largest portion of income.
Just like with anything, it’s vital to talk about emotions in relationships. As you probably already know, keeping emotions bottled up is unhealthy. Instead of being continually upset or avoiding this potentially sensitive topic, it’s important to talk about it. Chances are, you both will feel relieved afterwards.
Have clear expectations
Discuss what a joint lifestyle would look like. Is dating going to expensive, luxury restaurants or is it going to the bowling alley?
If you’re dating and have significantly different salaries, how will you pay for dates? Split 50-50? This could be a hassle on the lower earner. Will the higher earner pay for everything? Will he/she feel resentful for doing so?
If you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage, it still is important to discuss who handles what and what type of lifestyle you want to have. You might be surprised to learn how many individuals in relationships are unhappy with either the lavish or, conversely, frugal lifestyle that one person tends to lead.
Discuss what might become of future career moves. What sacrifices, if any, would either of you make to ensure the other’s career goals are met? Would you be open to the possibility of entrepreneurship? Even if these events are unlikely for the two of you, it’s always good to be on the same page as to what is possible in your relationship.
Support one another, don’t compete
While competition isn’t always bad, it shouldn’t have any place in a serious relationship. The potential for jealousy, resentment, and anger is too probable.
Instead, support one another wholeheartedly and push one another to be better. Encourage the other to compete against his or herself. Push one another to be better instead of competing to be the breadwinner.
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In short, the best way to get over breadwinner envy is to talk about it. If something affects you emotionally, it affects your relationship and it is vital to discuss that with your significant other.
Have you ever suffered from breadwinner envy? How did you work through it?
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Thanks for sharing Rachel! I didn’t even realize there was a term “Breadwinner envy” but it makes perfect sense. Communication is definitely key. I have experienced dating someone where are salaries were drastically different. They wouldn’t want to go out to eat in an effort to save money. Once the lines of communication were open, it was easier to set expectations.
Talking about money in relationships is so important to avoid resentment and other hard feelings. Glad to hear you were able to establish some understanding in your own situation, Tia!
Great suggestions for a common relationship issue, Rachel! I’ve been a stay at home mom for over 15 years now (with some part-time work scattered in), so I’m pretty familiar with this! I’ve never had “envy” per se, but there were times when the kids were little that I wished I could go to work, or at least leave the house every day without a kid attached to my leg. We’ve made it work and used every single recommendation you list, with joint goals and communication (on a daily basis) as top priority. Great post!
Thanks, Amanda! As my fiance and I are getting ready to join our finances, it’s a new perspective to think about it as our money instead of his money and my money. Now we both support each other in so many ways, that it really doesn’t matter who the breadwinner is. You are right on with saying that communication and support are top priorities!
I’ve seen situations though where it switches!
The lower-earning spouse/partner eventually started investing in themselves and their hard work paid off, they started out earning the breadwinner. That’s interesting to watch and see how couples work that out.
I agree, Lila! I used to be a bit envious of my fiance getting to go to grad school while working at a great job, but now I have had so many opportunities with blogging that he has been the one supporting me. When you have the team mentality, any envy disappears!
I really like the idea of understanding that you and your spouse work as a team, but that is harder to achieve in reality than in concept. Open communication does solve a lot of things and I think it’s more the responsibility of the person earning more to not patronize the spouse, because comments like those can leave a lasting impact on the person earning less or not earning at all…